Staying Resilient While Your Partner Is Deployed

Deployments and separations are parts of military life that can present unique challenges. The prospect of managing things by yourself you are used to sharing with your partner can be overwhelming. Rest assured, there are things you can do and support you can tap to help you navigate deployment challenges. Whether you are single or have a family, the following tips and resources can help you (and your children) build resilience and stay deployment strong.

Before Deployment

As departure day nears, some spouses begin to feel:

• Confused, stressed, resentful or depressed
• Detached or withdrawn as their service member invests more time and commitment in the mission
• Hopeless and impatient
• Emotionally and physically distant

To help keep things positive and loving with your spouse during the predeployment period, remember that it’s important to:

• Keep the lines of communication open. Talk about your feelings and discuss what you expect from each other during the deployment, including how you’ll communicate.
• Create opportunities for lasting memories during the separation. Spend time together in a relaxed atmosphere to create memories that will sustain you during the deployment.
• Get to know other military spouses who are going through the same experience. Get involved with family readiness activities and other unit or installation events.

During Deployment

Be positive

Don’t try to hide your feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, lonely or angry when you’ve been separated from your spouse. However, one of the most important things you can do in the face of any challenge is to be positive. Being positive doesn’t mean you ignore difficulties or hide your feelings. It means you accept whatever the situation is and trust you have the power and resources to get through it.

Two ways to practice being positive are:

• Get comfortable with change. Try to see difficulties as puzzles to solve rather than impossible obstacles. Change may be difficult and uncomfortable, but it is an inevitable part of life. Change is also necessary for growth. Recognize even though you may feel nervous or stressed, challenges can also present opportunities to build skills, self-confidence and connections and to grow — as a person, a couple and a family.
• Focus on things you CAN control, such as spending time with family and friends or signing up for a class or volunteer opportunity. It’s natural to dwell on what’s going wrong, but a key part of resilience is learning to pay attention to what’s going right as well. When you find yourself getting carried away by negative thoughts, stop and remind yourself of five positive things — maybe five things you’re grateful for. Count them off on your fingers. They can be simple things — the sun is shining, you’re breathing, your children are healthy, you have food in your fridge and a roof over your head. Learning to see the positive and practice gratitude helps reduce stress and build resilience.

If you have children, remember they learn as much from what their parents do as from what their parents say. When parents learn to be positive, they show children how to be positive too.

Practice healthy living

Take care of yourself. Healthy living practices are other things you can control and model for your children. If you don’t get enough sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, practice stress management and stay connected to family and friends, deployment can be a great time to start. Think about it as adding new tools to your wellness toolkit

Pick a healthy living practice that appeals to you and start adding it to your daily life. Even small steps can make a big difference — like eating one healthy meal a week, giving up your favorite snack until the weekend or exercising for 10 minutes a day. Setting new goals and learning new skills can help reduce stress and build resilience.

If you want to try a new wellness practice and aren’t sure where or how to begin, it can help to have a little support. Use these resources from Military OneSource to jump-start your healthy living practices:

Homecoming and the postdeployment period

The postdeployment period can last from a few weeks to several months. Along with your relief and joy, there may be an adjustment period for you and your spouse. This may be especially difficult if your service member is having difficulty disengaging from combat or is suffering from combat stress.

There are several things you can focus on to reduce stress for you and your family:

• Maintain a positive, nonjudgmental attitude. The right attitude will help lower stress and frustration when getting back together doesn’t seem to be going the way you expected.
• Talk openly and honestly about your experiences during the deployment and how you’ve changed. It can help you re-establish a foundation of healthy communication and encourage your service member to trust you with his or her deployment experiences.
• Try to be patient. It may be some time before you and your spouse feel relaxed and comfortable together.
• Make plans. Making plans together, whether it’s for a weekend outing or something more elaborate, can help you focus on your life together and help you feel closer.