Texting and Social Media in a Relationship

Communication problems are a top relationship challenge and texting is an important mode of communication for most couples. The following tips can help you avoid problems and develop healthy texting habits in a relationship.

• Switch up your texting topics. Texting only to remind your partner to pick up the dog food or do other errands can quickly help a relationship fall flat. Get in the habit of breaking up your routine texts with sweet or funny notes that let your partner know you’re thinking of them. The free relationship resilience tool, Love Every Day, can help you and your partner develop good communication skills.
• Steer away from too many intimate texts if your partner doesn’t seem to enjoy them. Experts have shown that relying on text as a way to stay intimate as a couple can actually have the opposite effect. Have a conversation with your partner about whether intimate texts are welcome, and if so, how much may be too much.
• Be concise. Long, drawn-out texts can be overwhelming and make the recipient feel they have to respond in a similar fashion. Long conversations are best in person, if possible.
• Be mindful of the tone of your texts. Striking the right tone might require making your texts more personal. For example, “What are you doing?” could come off as aggressive while “Hello! What are you up to?” is clearly friendly. Forgoing punctuation and using abbreviations can also lead to misinterpretations. Simply responding “idk” to a question feels curt and disengaged, while “I’m not sure, let me think about that and get back to you” lets your partner know you care about their question.
• Avoid overusing emojis. While fun and convenient, emojis can sometimes make the recipient feel like you didn’t take the time to think through a thoughtful response, or that you aren’t taking your conversation seriously.
• Don’t argue over text. If you disagree, tell your partner you prefer to discuss in person, or, if that’s not possible, by phone or video. Tips for Healthy Conflict Resolution in a Relationship can help you talk calmly about your differences.

Ideally, you’re pleased when you pick up the phone to find a text from your partner, and vice versa. Here are some tips to help make sure texts from each other are welcome additions to your days.

• Try not to overload your partner with text messages. Avoid sending follow-up texts if you don’t get a response. Your partner may be busy. Too many texts may become irritating and your partner might feel bad about not being able to get back to you.
• Talk about response times. Settle on an acceptable response time to a text. But also talk about different scenarios that may keep one another from answering a text right away.
• Try to text during “normal” hours. Try to keep your texting to daytime when you know your partner is free. Texting during work hours or at night when you’re typically asleep can become annoying and hurt your relationship and your health. If you and your partner are in different time zones or have opposite schedules, agree on times of day when it’s best to communicate by text.

Social media posts offer a window into other people’s lives. Sometimes, that can trigger jealousy and uncertainty, particularly if you’re in a new relationship and still getting to know one another or have recently broken up with someone. Remember, what you see online is only part of the story.

• Don’t jump to conclusions. You may see your partner post a photo or engage with someone online who you don’t know. Before jumping to conclusions, consider your trust in your partner. If you have serious doubts, have a conversation, preferably in person and without being confrontational.
• Avoid comparing your relationship to others online. Social media often presents a skewed version of reality. People tend to post only the highlights of their lives, leaving the impression everything is perfect. In comparison, you may feel your own life and relationship fall short. Make a mental checklist of all the positive things you’ve posted about yourself or your relationship. Do they tell the whole story? This may help you understand there’s often more below the surface than what appears on social media.
• Stay away from social media when you’re angry. It’s a good rule of thumb to avoid scrolling through social media when you’re mad or upset, whether it’s with your partner or something else. Staying off entirely means you won’t post something you’ll regret or will make you feel worse.
• Try not to rely on social media to communicate with your partner. Only tagging someone in memes can become boring. If you’re physically separated, use video chat. Share your day-to-day thoughts and activities to stay connected.

If you or your partner feel uncomfortable with social media, it can feel like one of you is looking to find a problem. Instead, think through the positive aspects of engaging online. These include:

• Letting your partner know you’re thinking of them. Tagging your significant other in pictures, videos or memes shows them they’re on your mind. It also reinforces that you pay attention to what they like.
• Scroll through their pictures when you miss them. This is especially nice if you or your partner are deployed or otherwise separated. Leave nice comments to give your partner a boost.
• Note your partner’s accomplishments and share news of them. As long as your partner is comfortable with this, it shows them you are committed and proud of their achievements.
• Join online groups with your partner. These groups can be about shared common interests, such as sports, pets, photography or other topics you and your partner can chat about.