Recovering From a Breakup

After a breakup, you may find yourself mourning what you had hoped the relationship would be, rather than the reality of what it was. Look back on what didn’t work in your relationship. This may help you adjust to and cope with the breakup.

• Write out what led to your breakup. This might help you see the situation more clearly. It can also point out red flags that you didn’t notice before, and help you avoid them in the future.
• Examine your feelings. Ask yourself if you miss your ex-partner or if it’s the loss of a close relationship that hurts. Knowing the difference will help rid you of negative feelings.
• Learn about what you can expect to experience during the phases of a breakup by reading the rest of this MilLife Guide.
• Reflect on any learnings from the breakup. This can give you insight into what you might do differently in the future. Take inventory of your experience and evaluate the areas that may need attention. Many breakups come down to poor communication. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
  • Express your feelings using “I” statements rather than assigning blame. Frame your needs in a positive way. When you are annoyed with someone you are close to, list their positive traits to remind yourself why you are grateful for and appreciate them.
  • Accept the other person’s perspective and avoid framing yourself as the victim. Take responsibility for the times you were in the wrong.
  • Take a break and distract yourself with a peaceful pause if you find yourself avoiding healthy debate by physically or mentally withdrawing from your future partner. This can include meditating, working out, going for a walk or doing art.

It’s important that you pay extra attention to your health and well-being after a distressing event, like the end of a relationship. The following can help you cope with a breakup:

• Surround yourself with people who care about you and support your values. This could be family or friends who have always been by your side. They can help take your mind off the breakup while filling a need for emotional connection. You may realize that it’s not so much your ex who you miss, but the comfort of being with someone familiar.
• Revisit your values and priorities. This is a good time to reset and return to what is important to you as an individual, and in a future relationship.
• Eat a healthy diet. Sugary foods and drinks can negatively affect your mood. Choose nutritious foods instead.
• Get outside for exercise. Walk, run, bike — whatever it takes to get your endorphins pumping. The combination of physical activity and fresh air will help to boost your mood.
• Sleep well. A good night’s sleep will leave you feeling refreshed in the morning. Avoid bed until it’s time to go to sleep. Put down your electronics at least 30 minutes before you go to bed. Keep your room cool and dark.
• Read the Managing Stress MilLife Guide for more suggestions.
• Take advantage of free health and wellness coaching from Military OneSource. Coaches can help you create a wellness plan and stay on track toward your goals.
• Relax your body and mind with Chill Drills, a free collection of simple audio mindfulness exercises.
• After a breakup, you may struggle with feelings of loneliness. Check out Getting Support for Feelings of Loneliness to learn more and find support.
• Be mindful of slipping into harmful habits. Make sure your ways of coping with difficult feelings aren’t working against you. Being Your Best: How Healthy Are Your Habits? offers tips for recognizing harmful behaviors and resources that can help.

While a breakup marks the end of a relationship, it also signals a new beginning. Embrace the opportunities ahead.

• Reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Just be careful about moving too fast into a new relationship. Healthy friendships and relationships don’t happen overnight. It takes time to get to know someone.
• Focus on goals to make a positive impact on your life. Make a list, draw a picture or create a vision board to help you see the potential of a brighter future without your ex.
• Review your list of reasons for the breakup. Consider what you will do differently moving forward in your next relationship. Maybe it’s to set expectations early on or to be more open and honest with your partner. Write those down, so you can revisit them later when you need a reminder.

How it feels: It’s common to experience pain in a breakup, especially in the early stages. You may have feelings of sadness, denial, anger toward your ex or feel ashamed for not being able to make it “work out.” You may long for what it was.

What to watch for: Common pitfalls include strong emotions and reactions, like over-communicating with your ex, trying to bargain the relationship back into being or lashing out at the hurt. You may isolate yourself to deal with your feelings.

What you need to know: It’s normal to feel pain and negative emotions in a breakup. However, we should focus on healing instead of lashing out at others. Take time for yourself — time can help the hurt. Talking to someone can also help you process your emotions. Military OneSource also offers free, confidential counseling to help you navigate the phases of a breakup. Call 800-342-9647 to connect with a Military OneSource consultant or to learn more.

How it feels: This phase is about taking steps to distract yourself from the pain with new interests and different behaviors. You may push the bad feelings away with novel or exciting experiences that make you temporarily feel stronger — or convince yourself you’re already over it. If you need help creating healthy habits or finding new interests contact our health and wellness coaches.

What to watch for: It’s common in this phase to try to distract yourself with destructive, impulsive behaviors and risk-taking — for example, drinking heavily, making unnecessary extreme purchases, obsessively working out or engaging in risky, extreme sports or activities.

What you need to know: There’s a difference between new interests and unhealthy risk-taking. You’re still healing, so take good care of yourself. Explore new interests and healthy behaviors that can make you feel better long term, like physical activity in moderation, getting outdoors, taking up a new hobby or enjoying low-key activities with friends.

How it feels: In this phase, you may feel like you don’t want to be alone anymore, and you’re longing for human connection. You may be ready to dip your toe back into the dating pool and feel better about yourself by socializing.

What to watch for: In this phase, you may be ready for socializing or you may just be insecure about being alone, wondering if you still have anything to offer a partner. Negative behaviors in this phase include participating in activities that go against your values.

What you need to know: Make sure you’re ready to make new connections and know what you’re looking for in a relationship. You’re the only one who can define what “ready” means for you. Be honest with yourself — and with the people you are seeing.

How it feels: This phase is full retreat. You may be tired of dating and putting yourself out there, opting for isolation instead. You may feel like you’re not worthy of a relationship and worry that you’ll always be alone.

What to watch for: This phase can feel a little like depression. You may feel pessimistic or gloomy, have low self-esteem and not much energy. You may overeat or not eat enough, sleep too much or too little and avoid dealing with people and social situations.

What you need to know: Taking time for yourself is OK but continue to nurture relationships and physical activities in your life that lift you up. Reach out to loved ones and other positive relationships. Seek support — talking with a trusted friend or a professional can really help.

How it feels: At this point in your breakup journey, you’ve worked through the hurt and feel stronger and seriously better about yourself. With some time, self-care and acceptance, you’ve developed greater self-esteem and regained your confidence and optimism.

What to watch for: You’re on the right track! You proactively do healthy things, date with a better sense of what’s right for you and nurture your relationships with friends and family.

What you need to know: See what a difference self-acceptance can make! Feeling good and self-assured can radiate out, leading to better relationships with yourself and others. Take time to appreciate yourself, continue to reflect, embark on and grow on your own personal journey.