Understanding Jealousy, Preserving Trust

A little jealousy is normal, even in the healthiest relationships. You may feel twinges of it if your partner seems more devoted to work than to you, or when a former love interest comes up in conversation. However, excessive jealousy can be a signal of controlling and harmful behavior.

Learn how to identify excessive jealousy and behavior that could escalate into abuse.

The importance of trust

Trust is an important part of a fulfilling and safe relationship. And although it tends to build over the course of a relationship, trust between two people can suffer when there are unresolved feelings of jealousy.

How you and your partner deal with jealousy is crucial to building trust and avoiding more serious problems. Some healthy ways to deal with jealousy are to:

• Take inventory of your relationship on a regular basis: What are the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship?
• Confront sensitive issues or problems honestly, no matter how painful or scary they may be.
• Learn how to effectively manage your anger.
• Work on your communication as a couple.
• Consider a marriage enrichment program.
• Understand what factors help create a healthy relationship.

When jealousy is harmful

Jealousy becomes harmful when it starts to define a relationship. For example, it may be a problem when jealousy preoccupies thoughts and leads to constant worry about the relationship. This can lead to abusive or violent behavior as one partner tries to control the other. Excessive jealousy can manifest itself in a number of ways, including:

• Trying to keep a partner from spending time with others
• Spying on them or tracking their whereabouts
• Looking through their belongings
• Insisting on knowing every detail of their activities
• Constantly asking them questions about past relationships
• Threatening or intimidating them
• Becoming physically violent

Getting help

If jealousy is a problem in your relationship, you don’t have to manage the situation on your own. Help is available. A professional counselor can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings individually or may work with you and your partner as a couple to rebuild trust if there aren’t any current safety issues. Find confidential, non-medical counseling through:

• Military OneSource at 800-342-9647
• Your installation Family Advocacy Program (Visit MilitaryINSTALLATIONS for contact information.)

If you’re fearful for your safety or if your relationship has become abusive, there are experts who can help you get safe and stay safe:

• Find help for domestic abuse from the victim advocate closest to you by using the Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate Locator — whether you’re in the United States or overseas.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for help with safety planning and finding resources and services in your community.

Reach out for the support you need and learn more about how to keep yourself healthy and safe.